I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i will never coherently bang her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
