I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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