My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize