Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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