On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
