90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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