if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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