my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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