Can i not drive my cunt home
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
