I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
