omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
