Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
