the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
God, I missed his penis.
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