I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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