he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
