I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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