mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
