I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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