How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
