My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
