Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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