all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
