I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
