Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
