We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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