I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
