Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
