wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
