i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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