On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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