he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
