i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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