Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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