If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When did angry sex become our thing?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
