Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
be right there i have to get my cape
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
