dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
me + whiskey = a bad person
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
