thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
