This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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