oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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