John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
