Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
