she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize