I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
