Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
