You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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