why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
