i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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