mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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