it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
