i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
