fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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