woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
the raccoons are back...
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