I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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