I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His hands were made for my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
