my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
