I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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