the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
