Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
wanna go halves on a baby?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
