I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize