thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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