Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
