Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
