you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
